I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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