ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
