for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
