Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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