I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
