Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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