i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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