I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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