I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
