your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
