You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
