i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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