i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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