His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
