he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
