I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Randomize
