He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
