I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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