i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
