Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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