Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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