I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
