I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
