U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
