WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
