omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
