Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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