I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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