he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
