remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We need to get me chipped asap
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
