Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
