Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
