On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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