If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
