wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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