oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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