Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
