I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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