She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
