I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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