is your mom at the bar?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
