eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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