I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
