...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
