got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
