two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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