I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
