I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
