Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
