Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
