A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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