Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
