When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
